My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
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[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
moms in horror movies
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE