Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
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I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
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Intelligence is the new cleavage
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
It’s actually Dr. whatever
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑