[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
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Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?