If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
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North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*