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I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.