[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
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Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I’m going to need a moment here.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
White Castle for the Win