Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
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Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.