The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
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can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.