Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
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Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”