It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
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If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Finally! 😈
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close