I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
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“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I’ve had worse
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”