Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
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Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*