[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
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Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!