I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
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Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
“no gods no masters” = leo
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty