“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
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My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
how to have an accident 101
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.