i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
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I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable