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“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
How do you like your Corgi?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha