me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
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What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.