My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
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My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Who says great literature is dead?
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache