If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
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Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I’m calling the cops.