I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
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My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.