If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Lmaoo 😂
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation