Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
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I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Your secret is safeish with me
Teach your children to beatbox
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.