Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
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[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Still cracks me up
[eats all your cotton candy]
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories