Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
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To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
HELP 😭
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?