me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
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My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
haha same
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*