[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
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My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Britain be like
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
what the
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.