Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
You Might Also Like
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.