I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
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Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.