Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
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When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Well, this explains it:
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
This can never not be funny 😭😭
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
every college guy’s fridge
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it