Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
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I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
i was baptized in a car wash
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too