I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
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Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home