buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
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I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.