Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
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Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Kids: Stay in school.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?