me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
You Might Also Like
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous