“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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This week’s mood.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite