“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
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“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.