Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
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Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Always
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”