When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
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I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.