A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
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[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
that lip filler tho
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
The three genders
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected