Yes, but it was never about money
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Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.