I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
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It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
No. YOU-buprofen.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”