Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
You Might Also Like
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”