If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
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For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges