Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
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If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Here’s a meme
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?