CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
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Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
📽️movie date🎞️
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool