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Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”