The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
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[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men