HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
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I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Florida be like…
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no