Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
You Might Also Like
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
*checks Timeline*…
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.